What Most People Don’t Want to Admit

June 29, 2014

I will admit I came into this world as a pretty cynical human being. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, and I’m sure for every story they recall about me being carefree and playing Nintendo games, there were just as many times I was drawn in on myself and spouting off sentiments like “what does it matter, anyway?”

Since I left home and started taking care of myself, I’ve started to realize how much attitude can play a role in opportunities presenting themselves, from the people you attract to networking for employment. For some time, I started to believe things could only get better.

Please do not be cynical. For the record, I hate cynicism. It’s my least favorite quality… it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you: amazing things will happen.

In a sense, I still believe that. But I’ve been having so much trouble fighting off my own feelings of cynicism the past two years. Part of it might simply be loneliness, being cut off from people I care about. There’s the rub: you feel down because you aren’t with friends or a loved one; you don’t attract new friends and loved ones because you look miserable, and who wants to be around someone like that?

I know this too shall pass. My past experience and my mentality towards the future is nothing if not optimistic. But still, while I’m down in one of these metaphysical black holes, I have to dwell on my life and what’s going wrong. And why not write it down for late night Internet readers?

The truth is: cynical people are right. And wrong. For the most part, if you treat people well and work hard, amazing things will happen.

However…

Some people never reap the benefits of their behavior, no matter how positive they may be, how advantaged they were from birth, or regardless of whether their attitude changes over time. For some people, sadly, life will continue on the same track or worse, and they will remain forever alone and in a rut. You can tell someone a million times that if they just wait and stay positive, things will improve. Well, sometimes… they just don’t.

Now, whether this causes them to be miserable is a state of mind. As for me, I have no choice but to hold onto hope. And yes, humans are adaptable creatures, and our definition of success and “wanting it all” is guaranteed to change with time. But what eats away at my mind is what has always eaten away since I knew how to think properly. Many people who know me consider crunching numbers one of my best skills. What they don’t know, what I usually don’t let anyone know, is my superpower. I can see possibilities played out in such detail ad infinitum. “What if”s are my curse, and they haunt me every moment of every day, even on some of my best days. It’s not as though I dwell on them because I’m completely preoccupied with dreams, merely the fact that I like to imagine different outcomes, and see where they would have lead. If I can parlay this into a book, all the better.

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