Not Quite Myself

January 18, 2012

I was just rejected from a job application I was really hoping to go through. Although I’m certainly no stranger to rejection, it’s been hitting me rather hard this month. It’s been three months since I returned from South Korea, and I feel like I’ve been going through the motions of life rather than putting myself on the path to something better. When you’re unemployed or working from home, it’s so easy to get distracted by the Internet and the laundry list of small things that have been on your plate for some time. Facebook isn’t as much as a time waster as it was in Korea, but I still find myself watching stupid movies and feeling sorry for myself rather than getting outside and running.

Ah yes, running. I have a stress fracture in my left foot, probably the result of getting back into the Vibrams too soon after the Christmas holidays, when I trained for three weeks in Newtons only. That’s just a guess; maybe all my mileage has been leading to this injury. The point is, I’m out of commission for a while, and it feels really unnatural.

A runner who could not run was out of his element. He would not even think of himself as an athlete; ridiculously there would be a kind of guilt about it; that was the worst part. He would begin to feel uncomfortable around his training comrades and the feeling would be mutual, like a newly wounded soldier among the embarrassed whole ones, who would not wish to be reminded of certain crap game aspects of life.
– Once A Runner, John L. Parker, Jr.

On the one hand, I fully appreciate how much more time I have to just do nothing. On the other hand, with no employment, writer’s block, and no travel on the horizon, it feels like the last of my passions is slipping away. I won’t deny I’m in a bit of a funk over it, but I’m far from beaten down or at the verge of giving up. This isn’t some Disney movie pep talk about looking for the silver lining. This is me accepting responsibility for my own life and not letting challenges get in the way of what I want out of it.

If I can’t work full time? I’ll find an alternative and learn to live with less.

If I can’t travel around the world? I’ll learn to see local things as a traveler would, to keep my mind fresh and my eyes wide open.

If I can’t run? I think this may be the deal breaker. We’ll see how my recovery proceeds.

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