Game of Chance

April 12, 2012

Poker

My friend Eddie called my all-in with a Queen Five. Hands still shaking with the rush that can only come from gambling, I confidently showed my Ace Seven, giving me two pairs to his queen high. He didn’t even seem to realize he was at a disadvantage. Victory would have been mine… if he hadn’t pulled a flush on the river card.

I was crushed at my loss, but, just as when I lose at the blackjack tables, I think to myself, “I couldn’t have played it any other way”. My life is like that at the moment. I’ve been back in the US for exactly six months, and not much has changed. I’ve gained some experiences, met a pretty girl, and thought about settling down in a city and just seeing what comes of it. But my thoughts are constantly returning to that life of travel, living abroad.

If there were an easier way to get back besides teaching English, I’d probably leave in a heartbeat. As it stands, I honestly just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I know that’s overused and very cliché, but it’s days like today, when I have too much time to think and slow down, that the same thoughts keep coming back to me. I see my 30th birthday as the benchmark for a stable life as an adult, as unrealistic as that is; how many people could find a good job, get married (or at least engaged), and have a place to hang their hat within a few months? I’ve proven I certainly can’t.

Yet that is what I strive for, at the same time not being very content with the path I’m on. I want the end result without any work or consideration of what I do to get there, and it’s killing me. So I’m left with only one option: being happy doing what I do. Choosing a path I know I can stay on and waiting for the right opportunity to transition to a different kind of life. For me, that means travel and running, above all else. I’m sure I’ll find a passion with regard to a job eventually, but not yet.

I can’t play it any other way.

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